I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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