I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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