Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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