chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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