the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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