Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
