At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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