I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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