She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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