What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
