Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
