last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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