I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
