the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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