you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
did i just pee glitter
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
