Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
