I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My life is pants optional.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
