I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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