i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
