Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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