it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
