it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
