After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
