ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
