I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
