I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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