I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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