We got so high we made milksteak
Farmville is her only friend.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
