If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
