Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
