I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
