Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
