we're chasing vodka with high fives
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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