Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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