So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
