I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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