Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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