I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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