my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
