i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
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I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
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My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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