You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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