we have officially lost it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
