god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
