how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
