Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
