True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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