Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
