I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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