No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You can't special order awesome
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
