Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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