I wish I could teleport
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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