Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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