Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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