remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
