she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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