Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
