I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
