no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Pooping to opera.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
