I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
