Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Pants are for mortals
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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